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Among Friends |
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| 'Til death (or circumstances) do us part Who can resist a story headlined "An Ideal Husband"? Judging by its recent No. 1 spot atop the most-read New York Times stories, hardly anybody, including me. I e-mailed to several female friends columnist Maureen Dowd's "mostly common sense" advice from Father Pat Connor, 79, about choosing a good husband; their nearly universal response was "too little, too late." Most of us who plunged into marriage did so on the basis of chemistry and faith, not a kitchen-sink checklist of what to look for and what to avoid when choosing a mate. The gist of the New Jersey Catholic priest's advice is, don't mistake lust for love. "You can be deeply in love with someone to whom you cannot be successfully married," he says. After 30 years of what our minister warned us on our wedding day would be "a union of peaks and valleys," I say Amen to that. It's a sure sign of the summer-news doldrums that celebrity divorces trump (pun intended) "same old, same old" stories about John McCain and Barack Obama on the campaign trail, continuing violence in Iraq and Afghanistan, and daily economic bad news. There's no better July fodder for bored journalists than a fluffy spin-off story inspired by aging model Christie Brinkley's messy divorce from husband No. 3, philanderer Peter Cook, and the second-time-around nuptials of 50ish sports icons Chris Evert and Greg Norman. Given that Brinkley and Cook chose to make their divorce trial a public spectacle choreographed by their respective PR advisers, and that Evert and Norman squandered a reported $2 million on their Bahamas wedding (how much can you spend on those paper umbrellas in iridescent tropical drinks?), their narcissism makes them fair game for paparazzi frenzy. But real people who feel real pain when a marriage shatters are inclined to pull inward and protect themselves, like a wounded animal gone to ground. I am corresponding with a close friend I once thought had the perfect mate with which to share the perfect life. For more than three decades, she thought so, too, until she caught him cheating. Their lives are being sliced and diced by $500-an-hour lawyers, their children wonder whether marital disaster is genetic, and my talented and beautiful friend wades through what she describes as "surreal pain" as she faces life as a single woman for the first time since she was 20. Anybody who is married and claims to never have contemplated divorce is lying. Every union is ultimately tested by too little or too much money, the vagaries of age, and inner demons we act out in unexpectedly self-destructive scenarios. Relationships hang together or fall apart based on a daily question each of us must ask ourselves: Am I better off married or alone? The answer is not always logical or understood by people outside the marriage; sometimes, overnight, it reverses itself. One friend left her husband long after the kids were grown and the dog died because, she said, "I got tired of compromising." Another took her estranged spouse back after a 16-year separation because, she said, her whole identity was tied up in having been his wife for 40 years. Hillary Clinton's decision to stick with Bill after her public humiliation during his affair with Monica Lewinsky continues to baffle both her admirers and detractors. Connor's matrimonial counseling warns people not to delude themselves that they can change their beloved. "People are the same after marriage, only more so," the priest told the Times. That accounts for why prominent public figures insist on repeating their matrimonial mistakes in a misguided hope that "this time things will be different," only to find out they aren't. Uma Thurman, are you listening? Connor also warns that love too often trumps prudence, a mistake he blames on Hollywood. As a twice-besotted woman who walked away from both would-be husbands because my gut told me they'd be poison, I never take chick-flick endings too seriously. I know that tomorrow is another day, and Rhett may not give a damn. |
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