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Village Idiot |
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Greedy, Weasel & Snake is going bankrupt! I'm not a money expert, but that's OK because there are plenty of them on television. So I've been doing what all the TV experts say: Pay yourself first, put some money in every paycheck, take advantage of your employer's matching grants and diversify, diversify, diversify. I have done all those things and I can't tell you what a comfort it is to have a substantial and ever-growing nest egg. When I retire, I won't have to worry whether Social Security is still solvent; I won't have to worry about inflation; I won't have to worry about money at all, it's sitting in an account at my stockbroker's, safe, secure and making babies. But when I opened my statement this month, half my money was gone! Stolen! Ripped off! Robbed! I did exactly what anyone who's been robbed does. I called the police. They were stunned when I told them how much money the thieves got away with. "Why do you keep that much money at home? Are you a drug dealer? Why didn't they take it all?" "Hey, I'm the victim here. I pay my taxes. You work for me, remember?" "Guess what? I pay taxes, too. Just answer the questions." "I'm not a drug dealer. The money wasn't at home. It supposed to be safe in my 401k." "Well, that's not a police problem, buddy. My pension plan lost money, too." "Who did you arrest for that? It sounds like the same modus operandi of the guy who stole my money." "No one stole your money. That's just the way the stock market works. Some days you're up, some days you're down. Call your stock broker, he'll explain it all to you." "I think my stockbroker's in on it. He's got to be 'a person of interest' don't you think?" "I'll tell you what," says the cop, "When they bail your stockbroker out, tell him to give you your money back." "How can anyone bail him out? He's not even in jail yet!" It sounds like the cops were looking the other way. Was this an inside job? A conspiracy? I called my broker at Greedy, Weasel & Snake. Bradford Mefirst answered on the first ring. "Oh, it's only you," he answered, "Listen, I can't talk right now, I'm expecting an important call." "From your bail bondsman?" "What are you talking about? I'm expecting a call from my congressman. I donate a lot of money to his campaign. I want him to vote for the $700 billion bailout." "Well, throw in a few hundred thousand for me while you're at it, and I won't press charges." "Press charges?" I explained that half my 401k had disappeared. "Nobody took your money. Hold on to your stock and it will go up again. This is a good time to buy stocks, things are cheap." "Like my house. Thanks for reminding me. So, you think I should put in more money in my 401k? Wouldn't it be simpler just to put it in yours?" "I am not stealing your money. There's a financial crisis. Banks are failing. Credit must be restored. Didn't you hear the nation's largest car dealer went out of business because it couldn't get credit from its bank?" "Maybe they went out of business because they sold crappy gas-guzzlers that nobody wants to buy anymore. Maybe they went out of business because their prices were too high. Maybe they went out of business because their owner didn't put any of the money he made for the last 20 years in a 401k -- like I did. Maybe he blew it all on the ponies and slot machines instead of saving it for a rainy day." "I feel your pain." "No, you don't. Not unless you've had a good caning recently. Let me ask you something. Why is it that if someone robs a 7-Eleven of $50, they put him in jail and throw away the key. But if a gang loots billions of dollars from small investors, Congress wants to 'rescue' them? Does that sound fair to you?" "Hey, nice talking to you. I gotta go. Congress is on the phone. And don't worry if you hear Greedy, Weasel & Snake is going bankrupt. That's just a rumor." |
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